Loved Beyond Measure by shaz124

Rating: G
Genres: Angst, Romance
Relationships: Harry & Hermione
Book: Harry & Hermione, Books 1 - 6
Published: 28/07/2005
Last Updated: 28/07/2005
Status: Completed

[One Shot] Hermione receives a letter from Harry a month after he disappears to fulfill his
destiny. In it, Harry comes clean with everything he has been holding close since second year.




1. Loved Beyond Measure
-----------------------



**A/N:** *I wrote this about a week after the Mugglenet/TLC interview. I was still in a
foul mood at the time, and I decided to work frustrations out through writing. I am glad I did
because it was a very cathartic experience. I can now look upon my thoughts of both HBP and the
transcript of the interview more logically and without going into a scathing monologue. In spirit,
I am going to offer one last comment on the book, JK, and the interviewers. After that, I consider
the matter closed and won't dwell on it. You may skip directly to the story if you
wish.*

*The Book: As a paying customer of 2 copies, I was disappointed in the fact that it did not
meet or come relatively close to meeting my expectations. I hope that HBP was just an “off” day,
but I am more inclined to believe that she was trying to please too many different people that
weren't her or fans of the series. Lesson: Be more judicious with my money.*

*The interviewers: I hold no malice unto them. They are reporters, not experienced ones
albeit, who had exclusive access to the woman of the month. They asked the hard questions to which
they wanted answers, and they got them. Enough said.*

*JK in the interview: I think a few things played into her unexpected level of candor in the
interview. 1) A sense of relief that the book is now released and that the media circus surrounding
her will now die down. 2) Her excitement and anticipation to being interviewed by dedicated fans
intimately familiar with and can ask intelligent questions about her works. 3) The end of a very
long week for her. All things said, the PR person in-charge of transcribing and emailing the text
of the interview to the interviewers might possibly be looking for another job right now for not
seeking a higher-level endorsement before sending the text uncut.*

*Finally, rant complete—on with the story.*

8888888

Hermione sat in what would've been Buckbeak's room three years ago. Roughly a month had
passed since Voldemort's defeat and the world freed from his terror. Since that time, parties
had erupted around the country for several days, followed by their hero's burial. The one
person conspicuously missing was Hermione Granger. For a month now, she found solitude and solace
in this attic room. She passed the hours staring out the window into the night sky. Some nights she
was introspective and pensive, others she would cry herself to sleep. Tonight she was holding a
book in her blanket-covered lap but not reading a single word. She was dreaming of what
could've been.

She had fallen in love years ago with an eleven year-old, raven-haired boy who had saved her
from a mountain troll. She held out hope for a few years that he would see what was right in front
of him. But alas, the subject was never breeched, and he never seemed to show interest. At the
start of fourth year, Ginny had told her that Ron had fancied her something terrible. She finally
decided to move on and pushed down her feelings. After making her wait for another two years, Ron
finally came forward with his feelings and their relationship began. However nice it was at some
levels, she never truly felt the same love that her parents had shown and described to her. She was
beginning to wonder if she would ever feel that kind of love when the tapping of an impressive
looking owl started her from her thoughts.

An owl wearing a small Gringotts medallion descended to her, dropped the sealed envelope from
its beak, and left out the open window.

Hermione looked at the handwriting, and her fingers began to tremble. It was Harry's untidy
scrawl; she was sure of it. Hermione carefully flipped the envelope over, broke the seal, and
removed the letter.

**October 30, 1998**

**My Dearest Hermione,**

**First and foremost, please sit down. I don't want you to hurt yourself. Please.**

**If this letter has reached your hands, and you are reading it now then something must've
happened to me. I've only asked that it be delivered in the event that I am deceased or have
been mentally incapacitated. It can be assumed then that is indeed now the case.**

**Now, and for the first time in my life, I want to be totally honest with you—to come clean
with everything I've been hiding from you. You may be thinking that this is the coward's
way out—to send it in a letter when I know that you cannot argue about it. I will admit that I am a
coward, but as you read on, I'll try to give you my reasons for keeping my secrets
close.**

**I have made out my will in such a way that you should never have to work a day in your life.
I have requested that my estate and funds into equal shares to be divided between you, Remus, and
the Weasley family. I do this because I care for all of you and want you to have the means to enjoy
the rest of your life without having to worry about finances. You may not want it. I'm sure
that you probably don't. But Hermione…let me take care of all of you in death in such a way
that you would not allow me to in life. I have dreamt of nothing else other than to be able to take
care of and travel all over the world with you since I inherited the Black's fortune and
allowed myself to grieve him. Sirius wanted me to travel, to experience, and to share it with the
one I love. But somewhere in my mind, I knew I would never get to fulfill that dream…to be with the
one I truly loved.**

**It was you, Hermione. It always has been since second year. When you were petrified by the
basilisk and temporarily removed from my life, I knew that I felt something strong for you and that
a big part of me felt empty. At the time, I had no clue what it meant. I just knew that hated the
heartache that emptiness caused.**

**In fourth year, I figured out exactly what it was. At that point, Ron was clearly smitten
with you. The ways he would look at you, the way he spoke of you. I felt my stomach turn over every
time and my skin felt sickly cold and green. I was jealous. When I figured that out, I started
asking myself the hard questions. The answers were both a startling revelation and then a source of
great sorrow. I knew about Ron's feelings, and I swore to myself not to betray him. He was my
first friend, and I figured I owed him time to at least sort things out between you. So I said
nothing.**

**When Ron broke away from us at the start of fourth year during the tournament, I was sorely
tempted to break my oath. As badly as I wanted to say something, I would not break my promise. When
the first round was over and the ball was and the Yule Ball was announced, I was quite sure that
Ron would ask you straight away. That's when I decided to go ahead and ask Cho to be my date
for the ball. She was pretty, and I thought we could at least talk about quidditch, so why not? By
that time, Ron had stuffed it up with you, I had been turned down, and you now had your own date. I
felt doubly rejected, by you because of Ron and then by Cho. I felt I had nothing else to lose.
That's when I asked the Patil sisters to go the ball with us.**

**Things had pretty much resolved themselves until the ball came around. When I saw you walk
through the front doors with Viktor, it was all I could do not to gawk at you. You were so
amazingly beautiful that evening. I knew you were a girl (despite what you may thought at the time)
and that you were pretty. Though for that night, your outer beauty finally came close to matching
your inner beauty. Yet somehow, the look was still uniquely you—subtle and understated, but you
nonetheless. Those thoughts of you and how your face lit up when you smiled that night filled many
a dream. I only dreamt that one day that smile would be meant for me.**

**Then fifth year came. It was probably the most emotionally trying year that I've ever
had. I had to deal with Cedric's death. I couldn't talk or write to you. Then I arrive at
Grimmauld Place only to find that Ron had been spending all that time with you alone and STILL
hadn't talked to you about his feelings. My patience was gone, and I just snapped. Between
dealing with Umbridge and no quidditch, my mood didn't improve. The only bright spot was the
DA, and I had you to thank for that although I never did. For that, I am sorry.**

**Then came the fiasco at the ministry. When you fell to the floor, my world stopped. I thought
I had killed you. The seconds between when I saw you fall until Neville told me that you were still
alive were probably the longest and most changing moments in my life—even more than Sirius being
killed. In those moments, my life was forfeit and held no meaning. I wanted nothing more than to
die right there holding you. I was afraid beyond all meaning of the word. A world without you is
not one that I wanted to live in. I was praying for the flash of green light that would take me
back to you. I wanted to die. When I finally heard Neville, I became a man possessed. It was
fortunate for the death eaters that I still a limited repertoire of spells because I used them all
and even a few that I wasn't sure that I could. After the ministry incident, I knew I needed to
back away.**

**During sixth year, I did exactly that. I had given it a great deal of thought over the
summer. If I were too sudden in my withdrawal, you would pull me back in. I needed to do it in a
less than obvious fashion. Dumbledore's lessons and wandering the hall at night while you and
Ron danced around each other was enough of a distraction. When Ron did something stupid, hurtful,
or just plain spiteful, I wanted to just pummel him and then take you away. But I knew I
couldn't do that. You still liked Ron and he you. I thought for sure that you would get sick of
it and tell him to piss off, but you didn't. That's when I knew you weren't going to
see me in the same way I saw you. I needed comfort. I needed contact. Ginny provided that for me. I
think deep down she knew, but she never said a word. When it was time to let go after Professor
Dumbledore died, she knew what was needed then as well. That's why there was no emotional
goodbye. She just accepted it.**

**Seventh year, if you could call it that, was beyond odd. We were on our own for the first
time. You and Ron became close. I was none too surprised when he offered you an engagement ring. I
think Ron and I were both surprised though when you did not accept. He assumed that you wanted to
wait until we finished our quest and Voldemort was defeated. But I wasn't sure.**

**We all became very optimistic when tracking down the horcruxes was a little easier than we
though it would be. That optimism quickly vanished when Ron tried to exorcise the second to last
horcrux without finishing all the detection spells. Even though we had agreed to let it wait until
Boxing Day, Ron decided to finish it, and we lost him that night. You had thankfully gone holiday
shopping that afternoon. It was bad enough that I had to witness it, I'm just glad you
weren't there. He died a very gruesome death that no one should ever have to endure.**

**So many times, I heard you cry into the night. I heard the screams and wails coming from
behind your door. I only comforted you as much as I would allow myself. Without such restraint, I
fear things would've been different between us for all the wrong reasons. I respected you too
much for that, and I would not desecrate my brother's memory by having a night of comfort turn
into a mindless shag. I wouldn't be able to look at myself in the mirror in the
morning.**

**The two of us eventually found and destroyed the last piece. I then started training in
preparation for the meeting with Voldemort, and I now stand on the precipice of the battle. I
received intelligence regarding Voldemort's whereabouts and know that the defenses at his
headquarters will be weakened tomorrow night as he plans to send most of his minions on their
annual Hollow's Eve `cleansing missions.' I will leave tonight with no plans to return
until it is done.**

**I just wanted to make sure that you knew how I felt and what was in my heart when I left.
Regardless of whether or not my love for you is ever requited, know that you were loved beyond
measure. Know that I loved you mind, body, and soul. And know that through you, I learned what love
is. Love is sacrificing anything necessary to make sure that the ones you love remain safe. You
know what I am facing. I face this knowing that you will be safe when I am done. Know that I face
this, and everything else that has happened in life, for you and only you.**

**Loving you with everything in my heart,
Harry**

She looked up to the stars in the night sky with tears streaming down her cheeks. A feeling of
warmth she had never experienced flooded through her as the missing piece of her heart fell into
place.

“I love you too, Harry. I love you too.”

*-- Fin.*

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